Saturday, May 24, 2014

In Which Xyrem Makes Me Feel Like An Ass

This morning sucked. I think I'm going to stop taking Xyrem. I was hesitant to take it this whole time leading up to finally getting it prescribed because of the what if factor. You know, with kids. You never know when one will need you, when one will wake up sick. Or if the house caught on fire. Big Daddy can sleep through anything, and often does. It takes FOREVER to wake him.

I feel like an ass after my most recent night of sleep. Bad. Like to the point of tears. JSmiley has a cold and her doctor is closed until Tuesday so I've been giving her that natural cough med for 2 years and up and normally it works. Apparently it quit working after my second dose of Xyrem. I downloaded a sleep cycles app to see how my sleep goes and it has a record sound feature to see if you talk in your sleep. Well, apparently J started coughing about an hour to 1.5 hours after my last dose because I have multiple 6 second up to 20 second and one lasts more than a minute (not full of but featuring) of her coughing, crying for me and her pacy (which she'd obviously lost) for 20+ minutes off and on. The only two times I acknowledged her, once was a soothing shh and the second was to snap and tell her to stop and no (when she asked me to find her pacy). I get cranky when I'm tired and I don't remember any of this but I feel SOOO fucking bad that I'm crying because she was crying for me and I did nothing except get mad at her and slept through the other 19+ minutes. I know I was out of it, at 7+ I was loopy as crap and had to go back to sleep so at 5 when she needed me, I was useless. This is why I was so hesitant on taking this stupid medicine in the first place.

Big Daddy keeps telling me it's not my fault, that I can't help how I react (or don't) when I'm sleeping, and that's true. BUT I wouldn't have been completely out of it if it weren't for Xyrem. Prior to the 2nd dose, I woke up I believe twice in just under 3 hours. I was able to sooth J, etc. After that second dose, I wasn't able to respond when my baby needed me. When I woke up at like 7:30, 4 hours after my 2nd dose, I felt ridiculously loopy and had to lay back down and sleep for another 2 hours. I just don't get how 1 dose I'm up and lucid in under 3 hours and the next I'm out cold for 6. I know the literature says you'll need time after the 2nd dose but this is ridiculous. It's the same dose!

But I feel horrible. I know some parents cry it out but not me. My baby was sick and crying for her mother who was RIGHT THERE but not answering. I feel like the worlds biggest asshole. My baby needed me, and I was not there. What if she'd been puking. She's been coughing so hard she's gagging and occasionally puking. What if she'd puked or gagged and I slept through it. What if she couldn't clear her airway? What if the house caught on fire and I couldn't react. Big Daddy sleeps through 99.9% of all alarms. He'd never wake up. I can't risk taking this medicine, ESPECIALLY not while J is still sick. I feel it's not safe for me to take it with children in the house. It basically leaves BOTH of the adults in the house incapacitated. So everyone is vulnerable.

I'm glad it helps most people but so far, it's not looking like a long term thing for me. It does it's job so it works, it's almost 6 PM now and I'm just now feeling even the slightest bit tired, (no energy, I'm just not tired like normal) so it WORKS, but it's just too risky. I woke up with a headache, then cried for a while after listening to those recordings. I'm not tired but I feel like shit. I can't even think about this morning without tearing up.

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