Saturday, September 22, 2012

Emotionally Exhausted

Now that my part is over I can write about JSmiley's appointment. It went ok for the most part except she still isn't gaining weight officially. I swear it feels like she IS gaining (and I'm not the only one who says that). But the stats say she isn't.

7 pounds 4.7 ounces (18.5 inches) at birth
11 pounds 12 ounces at 2 months
13 pounds 0 ounces (24 inches) at 4 months
13 pounds 8 ounces (just over 25 inches) at 6 months
14 pounds 12 ounces at 9 months
15 pounds 9 ounces (27 inches) at 12 months
15 pounds 10 ounces (27 inches) at 15 months.

The first 4 months (except birth) she was supposedly "overweight" according to her pedi and at first the slow didn't bother him because "she's just evening out".

I honestly don't understand. She eats just fine. He ordered a BUNCH of tests. Granted one was the test I delayed at her 1 year appointment (lead and I think to check for anemia) since she was already not feeling well and got shots. She got shots this appointment too but we both felt bad after so we came home and slept instead of getting the tests. I don't feel bad for delaying it from Tuesday to Friday. She was feverish for 24 hours after yhe shots plus I didn't get the urine and they aren't giving my baby 3 shots, a ton of blood work, an x-ray AND a catheter in the same day.

I wasn't about to let them cath her anyway. The blood work and x-ray I can't do and there's no alternative but I'm capable of a clean catch urine sample even with someone who isn't potty trained. It took 45 minutes but it's better than a catheter.

SDiva had to do the same tests (not sure if she had to do ALL the same ones or just some of them). I took Mom with me that time and my neighbor this time. I can't hold my kids down. I mean I can but I feel so bad and my first instinct is to stop it. I'm sure I'd probably be able to do it if I had to and I kind of feel bad for not being the one to hold her but it makes me feel bad that I can't stop it. I feel bad holding her down for shots and that's over quicker.

Anyway, they took 5 vials of blood for 7-9 tests. I know one was the lead test, I didn't write down the tests (which is shocking but by the time I thought about it, I'd already handed over the paper). Then I know there was SED rate, chromosome and CBC. I can't remember the others aside from the urine and bone age x-ray.

SDiva's all came back normal and I'm hoping JSmiley's do too (DCourtly escaped the trauma, she's smallish for her age but not as bad as her sisters). I'm semi freaked out still. Her doctor said he didn't think anything would come back abnormal and I feel that way too BUT... None of MY doctors thought anything was wrong either. Logistically I KNOW she isn't me but I'm scared. I don't want my kids to be sick. I mean, no one wants their kids to be sick and I'd still love them, I think I'd probably have it easier to understand since I research everything and I'M sick, I know the drill so to speak, but I don't want my kids to be sick.

I don't want them to develope any of the conditions I have because of how hard of a time I'm having. If I felt like I did in 2008-2009 or earlier it'd be different. I didn't have NEAR as many problems as I do now. I had more energy and could chase them around. Now I have almost no energy especially with the fatigue and I feel like THE worst parent EVER. Especially with the amount of help I need with them right now but I'm hoping that if I can treat the Narcolepsy and get energy during the day I can cut back a lot on that help. Maybe if I can treat my conditions I'll be able to almost eliminate the need for help except on bad days. It's not fair to my kids that I can't get up and do anything. I know it isn't my fault but how do I explain that to my kids. Even my husband gets aggravated with me and he's an adult. All I want is to be a good Mom and these conditions (untreated/unmanaged whether it's because the meds aren't helping, because they clash, because I can't get help, or because my doctors keep rescheduling or making me see ignorant NPs) prevent that and I feel SOO bad about it. I had to make Big Daddy cuddle with me while he slept and try to go to sleep because I had an anxiety episode late last night over it. I don't want my kids to feel as if I don't love them or care. I'm trying everything and seeing all these doctors and tests and treatments because I WANT SO BADLY to be back to where I was in 08/09. I was still sick and by no means could I do a lot but I needed NO help with my kids though breaks were appreciated. That is my goal and I hope I can do it. Anything beyond being back to that would be a plus. I'm just afraid they won't understand, that they'll hate me or resent me for it. But I don't want my kids to ever feel this way. Either the conditions or the emotional stress of needing help with THEIR kids. And I don't want them to have anything else wrong with them. I'd love them regardless and do my best to help them and be their advocate. I just want them to be healthy and happy.

I started seeing a therapist too for my anxiety. I've only seen him once so far for the intake appointment. But he mentioned that Gabapentin is a mood stabilizer. I haven't taken any of mine since my last migraine that wouldn't quit and I noticed I didn't have any anxiety during that week I had to take it off and on so I don't know. Maybe that's why and since it's out of my system I'm back to being moody. But it doesn't help completely with my migraines and I think it's going to be switched Thursday. So what do I do. I can't take it AND something else for my migraines. Wouldn't that be over medicating. See, I can't even manage my symptoms because it all clashes along the edges.
Atenolol isn't completely controlling my tachycardia. Midodrine isn't making me LESS dizzy (I'm probably more dizzy at times). The Gabapentin isn't getting rid of my migraines but IS (probably) helping my moods. If I go on Provigil or Nuvigil for Narcolepsy, it will likely speed up my heart rate AND according to the sites, makes all hormonal birth control less effective. My birth control helps me because another pregnancy right now would likely leave me hospitalized or worse not to mention that the meds aren't that great for a developing baby. Can I get a break?

1 comment:

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