Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Figurative and Literal Heart Ache

Emotionally upset. I can't do this alone, and that's how I feel quite a bit. Even right now with Callie curled up at my feet and JSmiley laying on me holding 2 of my fingers and staring at me. I'm not alone but it's not the same. I need support and a baby can't give more than unconditional love which don't get me wrong, that helps but I need support too.

I try not to write while angry or upset but I have no where else to turn and I've already spent the past 3 hours off and on crying. Big Daddy and I had a verbal and text argument and I'm just hurt. He doesn't get it, at all. He still thinks I can do more than I feel capable doing and I'm TIRED of hearing how people with CANCER are able to do more than me. And? I don't have cancer, I know that but it's not the same. Hell two additional NCS patients aren't exactly the same. One may be worse than me and one may be better than me. I've taken him to appointments, I've printed out documents, I've emailed links and articles, I've texted partial snippets of articles. I don't know what else to do.

I feel like I'm losing my family one day at a time. SDiva understands I'm sick but doesn't understand anything it entails, and she's the oldest, I don't think DCourtly really understands. All they know is Mommy can't take them out to play alone, Mommy is "lazy" (thanks Big Daddy, and everyone else in the history of ever). I don't know how to explain to grown ups that the SMALLEST amount of activity will leave me physically and mentally DRAINED for days, much less to my kids. Literally, like I said before, 6 days of MOSTLY no activity (seriously, drove 15 minutes and SAT) with the exception to a few days I "worked" concession with a few other women, and I spent the next TEN days, on my couch. I barely remember much of what I did during those 10 days.

I can not HELP that. And Big Daddy is yelling at me that he's pissed off that I can go to Big D's games but not the park with them. Which, yes that makes sense but I'm not really ALONE at the ball field. He wants me to go and sit while they run and play, in the heat. It's doable but I'll still be alone. He won't want to sit with me while they play, I'll be expected to follow them around and entertain the baby while he talks to everyone and takes other people, and I'll be on the bench, by myself. With nothing. (Except the baby unless she is playing with them). That SOUNDS exhausting. When I go to the games I'm surrounded by people who enjoy baseball like me, enjoy watching the kids play. They don't leave me by myself. I'm included. They ask how I'm doing.

And then I just feel like the worlds worst person ever. I want to play with my kids, I want to do fun things. I WANT to be part of this family, an ACTIVE part. But I'm too sick. And "no one wants to sit on the couch and be a hermit". I'm sorry I'm not healthy. I'm sorry I can't do the things normal people do. I'm sorry I'm not capable of being the person I want to be, or the person I dreamt of being as a child. But I can't help it. I don't WANT to be sick! I don't WANT to be alone! I don't WANT to look at my kids and watch them prefer to spend time with other people. Knowing my family would rather do other things than spend time with me doing stuff I CAN do absolutely kills me. I know there's the old saying  (something about) not expecting people to change or not having to change for other people and I don't want them to change but I want to be included in the family and currently I CAN'T change. No matter how cruelly I'm treated it's not "tough love" in the sense that tough love is supposed to open someones eyes, my eyes ARE open. But treating me like a burden or like dirt under your shoes is NOT going to make me change because I CAN'T. No matter how hurt I am, no matter how much I WANT to, no matter how much I cry, I'm not going to wake up and suddenly be healthy, I'm not going to be able to go "You know, you're right, *I* am the problem, I'm milking it, here let me do all the things you've said I can do." It's just not going to happen.

And it just can't continue. It's not every day but even once a month like this is too much. I can't live the rest of my life ignored and all but abandoned and I can't raise/support my very young children by myself and I can't live without them. So wth do I do?

I know none of us WANT to be sick but I've never wanted to be healthy more than right now. I don't know how much more I can take.

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