Friday, August 17, 2012

Long Whining Post

Hello 1 AM. We meet again. Not that it's surprising but boy I hate it. JSmiley is awake. Big Daddy said he was too tired to help get her to sleep. I'm not fighting her. She can just lay here with me in the semi dark until she decides to go to sleep. It kind of worries me sometimes, all these health problems of mine. I'm afraid that I'll have passed on something to them. JSmiley has my sleep patterns. When Big Daddy isn't here to help, she sleeps when I sleep (or I sleep occasionally while she sleeps, sometimes she won't sleep when I'm tired and sometimes I can't sleep when she is). The big 2 sleep much better though occasionally DCourtly will keep SDiva up. And prevent people from napping. All my kids nap. I don't know. It's just something that worries me.

I went and saw my "temporary" primary. My primary is STILL on extended leave so I saw her nurse practitioner. I do not like her. At all. She seriously rubbed me the wrong way. I'm guessing she was old fashioned. She looked like she was old enough to retire. I was there for a mole on my back and to try to get something for my anxiety. While updating my medical history, she "couldn't find" some of my conditions.... So she improvised. NCS was put in as "Cardiogenic Syncope" and "neuro syncope" and who knows what else. Oh and she asked me if my ex-stepfather abused me since the only thing that changed the year I started having anxiety was my mom got with Big D's dad and had him. And you know how much I already can't stand most NPs. She DID write me a prescription for prilosec though. And an antidepressant (I asked for something for anxiety). I'm not going to take it though. I know nothing about it, she's weird and I don't know what kinds of changes they'll be making to my meds when I see my doctors. I know my neurologist was going to switch migraine medicines, my electrophysiologist will probably increase or change some of my meds (another topic for another day) and one or both need to sign off on a treatment for the narcolepsy. And one of them or the sleep center is going to prescribe something that the other(s) may agree with. I go back to see her mid-next month to remove the mole. If she still rubs me the wrong way I'm calling my insurance and switching. That's how bad I didn't like her. And she set up an appointment for counseling. I'll try it. I don't like counseling either. It scares me. Especially considering I have all these problems and have heard for years it's all in my head.

I don't know. Oh and I mentioned the pain I've had for years which I hated doing. You read all these medical blogs about drug seekers and I already have this instant mistrust that doctors won't believe me because of, you know, the 13 years of having no one believe me. And because all my conditions I got multiple doctors telling me the vast multitude of tests were either normal or caused by something easy AND only doing "last resort" tests when I pushed and insisted. And what do you know. It was those last resort tests that found the NCS and Narcolepsy.

But I'm always in pain. My back, upper, middle and lower. My neck. (I was in 2 car wrecks several years apart that did some damage and saw a chiropractor) My legs occasionally, ankles sprain/twist easy. My left foot has bothered me periodically since I broke it as a teen. My arms hurt, I can pop my elbows just by extending my arm. My fingers hurt and pop (so does my back and neck). Not to mention migraines. I'm in near constant pain. Often in multiple places. I don't want narcotics, hell I don't want some of the little stuff. I took ibuprofen yesterday because my upper back between my shoulder blades and lower back was killing me. Regular strength. 2 of them. I could have taken at least double (I've taken 1000 mg or 5 regular strength for a migraine). I don't like taking all these pills. The only reason I'm not skipping the Atenolol and Midodrine is because I NEED it and the birth control is because it'd be down right dangerous for me to get pregnant as sick as I am and on these meds and whatever they're going to put me on.

I rarely go to the ER or doctor for pain. I've been to the ER TWICE for a migraine that lasted DAYS and would NOT go away no matter what I did (I know, not an emergency but by the time I gave up trying it was Friday night and I'd have gone postal if I waited until Monday). I've also never been for regular pain. The car wrecks I went for the car wreck and don't even remember if I got anything, the only thing I remember was the chiropractor. The migraine (one) I got a shot. I don't even know what it was called but that shot knocked me out ALL. FREAKING. WEEKEND. I've complained of back pain ONCE at the ER but not primary complaint. I had bronchitis AND walking pneumonia to the point I was gasping for air and coughing up a lung (again, not really an emergency and I wouldn't have gone except it was night, I layed down to sleep and couldn't breathe and started gasping for air). The coughing irritated my back. I got some medicine with a T which I quit taking after like 2 days because either the narcolepsy gave me hallucinations of my bed shaking (which my primary said was ANXIETY) or it gave me tremors. I'm not sure (and this was 2010 so way before I had any diagnosis) but whenever I'd wake up I'd have the feeling that my bed was shaking. It scared the crap out of me and of course I read all the print outs and the side effects of it and the cough meds they gave me said those side effects were common so I quit that too (high strength cough medicine) and switched to tylenol cold. And suffered for a month. All of this has been over YEARS, dating back to when my mom was pregnant with Big D (1st car wreck she was a couple months pregnant) and he'll be 14 in November. I've never asked for drugs, I don't take anything unless I'm in absolutely agony and can't function. I want to know what's causing this pain and how to ease it. I carry a stick of mentholated stuff (kind of like icy hot?) in my purse to help take a little edge off (doesn't take the pain but it helps a little bit). I take hot baths and soak my muscles. I beg Big Daddy for massages and I only take OTC meds when I can't get any relief and can't handle it. I hate drug addicts and would rather suffer than risk becoming one but it's constant and like all my other problems, I want to freaking know why.

She gave me a look and said next time we'd talk about x-rays "or something" but that I was already on "so much". Nothing for pain, no kind of narcotic, no sedatives or any of that stuff. I'm on Atenolol, Midodrine, Prilosec and birth control. (And prescribed an antidepressant that I'm not taking). I don't even want to take that because I'm afraid how it will affect me (even if I didn't have everything else). I just want the pain to stop, to know why, I want to other issues to go away. I'm fast becoming completely fed up with my health. Ugh.

Not to mention, I slept 12 hours yesterday and had a migraine. I guess almost passing out at Walmart drained me. Big Daddy keeps saying "NOW do you think you need an electric cart?!" Yes but not happening. "I'm asking your doctors." I'm 23 for fricks sake. It's embarrassing. And I haven't publicly mentioned narcolepsy except to a "secret" group on facebook and to a handful of people in my life. I know people will automatically assume the same thing I did (which is cataplexy but not many people realize narcolepsy doesn't always mean falling asleep and losing muscle tone like that - that's narcolepsy WITH cataplexy) and I'm embarrassed. And Big Daddy keeps making little jokes so hell no I'm not posting it on facebook. Yet.

Oh and the woman at the sleep center told me to get a medical bracelet/necklace for the narcolepsy. I was going to ask my EP if I should, now I'll just ask him what ELSE I should put. She also told me to get some kind of alarm since I'm always home, usually alone (no adults just me and kids) or ALWAYS keep my phone on me (which I do, Big Daddy got some pointed looks from me on this part of the conversation) or the key fob so I could trigger the alarm if I needed help (and have a neighbor know that it meant that). Ok more later. It's 2 AM+ and JSmiley is only mildly entertaining the thought of sleep.


  1. You really should adress the chronic pain. There is nothing wrong with needing medications. I hope you feel better soon, and my blog post helped you some.

    1. Thanks, I'll try again next month (at my appointment). Narcotic abuse seems really bad here (small city so it feels like it's a bigger percentage). Or maybe the nurse practitioner was a quack, in which case I need to find alternate care. :/ And I know there's nothing wrong with *needing* it, I just don't like fighting that stereotype.