Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Crabby Pants

It's an icky day both health/life and weather. I'm in a little pain in various places. Headache. Some palps. Etc. Had a nightmare about locker combinations and a psycho female ghost. R is crabby. He read the Dysautonomia handbook (part of it) and was being a crab so I told him he must not have paid attention to it. He told me I needed to "prove the article wrong". What?! Would you go out of your way to try to prove the Honda handbook wrong? How does that even make sense? Would you go to someone who had cancer and tell them they need to prove their diagnosis wrong? I swear, sometimes...

4 months until my next appointment. I had to stop typing there and have a mini freak out. (Read: Anxiety attack.) Less than 4 months until I should wean. That is stressful beyond belief. I know I'm probably over-reacting but my anxiety is bad. I nursed S and D for 26 months each. J will be almost 14 months when I go back to Dr. M. That's a whole year less than the other two. It makes me sad. And guilty. Like I'm denying her something. I know it's a better choice, maybe I can get back to my normal (which is obviously different than healthy normal but normal for me). Someone mentioned pumping to build up a little supply. I might try that if I can. At least maybe then I can offer her a cup before bed.

R is still being a crab. Days like this, I don't know if we'll make it. I know something has to change. Me being sick is stressful, I get that, but it's stressful on me too. And him being a crab makes it worse. When we took our vows, we promised to be there in sickness and in health. Apparently that part was just words. If he can't help me when I'm down, I don't want him when I'm on my feet. For now I'm just going to play it by ear and hope he opens his eyes and quits being in denial. He thinks if he's hard on me I'll push myself and "realize I CAN do everything I say I can't" or that I'll realize it's all in my head. I know it's not but he refuses to see that. At least part of the time. He understands I get dizzy. In fact "hot and dizzy" to him equals bad news. He's not putting them together. Duh R, IF I do it your way, that's how I fast track STRAIGHT to hot and dizzy. I'm NOT pushing myself to do something, especially not alone, because I KNOW what will happen.

I don't get how that's hard to understand. Even our friend understands it better and texts me to check up on me. Of course her mom had something along the same lines but how is it she can understand (and several others have some basis for understanding) but my husband remains woefully ignorant, apparently by choice.

In other news, I think it's time to switch from initials. I'll make a key for anyone back reading. I just have to think of fitting names to use. R will be especially hard. If I let my emotions run away with me his new name will be Mr. Crabby. I'll post names and stuff in my next post!

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