Saturday, April 7, 2012

Feeling Blue

I haven't felt well lately. Nothing new there. I'm getting tired of fighting and especially of getting no where. I'm tired of feeling like no one cares. R told me yesterday "I care, I just don't show it." I fail to see how that helps me. I suffer alone. Sure he brings me food occasionally and helps with the big 2 and occasionally J but it's not enough. When I'm in pain I get no help except "take something" or "stop breastfeeding and get on your meds". When I'm depressed or anxious, I get nothing. When I need someone, he isn't there. It's been like that so I've pretty much stopped telling him a lot. I feel like I have no one fully. I suppose I should just take what I can get but it hurts. When I'm feeling down or anxious all I want is to be held. I want sympathy. I want understanding. Even if he can't do anything, just having warm strong arms wrapped around me and some sympathy and love would go a long way. My diagnosis is recent despite suffering for 13 years and maybe he is in denial. I don't know. I just wish he could understand. I may be grown up but I still need his help. And not just with the physical stuff that I can't do. I don't know what to do. He already feels like he does too much. I know I can't do this without his help but I need more. I just don't know.

It's a bad week. Bad everything. Depression and anxiety. Dizziness. Plain headaches. Migraines. Pain. Nausea. Stress. Just everything. What can I do.


  1. Sending big hugs your way Sierra. Unfortunatly i know most of these feeling all to well, and it sucks big time. I know it sounds cliche, but you should never just have to settle and take what you can get. Yes, dys is crazy beast to understand and live with and see someone you care about go through, but that doesn't make us any less deserving of all the love, care and support we need and desire :)

    1. Thank you Azaleah. The hugs are much appreciated. And I agree with you. We deserve love and support just as much as healthy people. If not more, honestly we need it more. I don't plan on settling forever. I'm hoping to get my feet back underneath me, either by treatment or something. I'm hoping he'll come around and get a clue in the mean time.

      And that's the "funniest" part. I've passed out in front of him. He FREAKED out. It's scary to watch (so I've been told anyway). He KNOWS how bad it is. I guess since it's an "invisible" disease, unless I'm acutely passing out he's kind of clueless.

    2. It's quite ironic hey, people see us at our worst, but still seem to think we can suck it up on get on with life, despite never knowing when it'll happen next, or accept sometimes we need a little extra loving! I'm not sure if it's just people in our age group being immature, or not wanting to deal with "adult" issues so soon, but it sucks!
      Fingers crossed something comes along to help solidify that ground beneath yours and your families feet :)

    3. Thanks Azaleah! You hit the proverbial nail on the head!