Time sure flies sometimes. I can't believe it's spring break. I'm a little happier today, I got some fluffy mail yesterday (in parenting it means things like wraps for babywearing, cloth diapers etc). I finally have a pink wrap. I've got 2 blue (not the same hue) ring slings (one being a woven wrap conversion and another a linen one) plus a blue woven wrap. I didn't get an expensive wrap since we have other monetary needs but I HAD to have a pink one. I have 3 daughters and all blue wraps! Granted the only one I wear is J but still. Maybe I can get D to sit in a wrap or a rs. I have 2 more I want to buy for me (and I'm trying to convince R to let me get him a blue one like my pink one). The one I got was a gauze wrap. I love it. One of the others I want is pinkish purple and another is blue, I want to get the blue one and turn it into a mei tai. My woven wrap is kind of small on me so I can only do a few carries and they aren't very reinforced, the one I've got now, despite not being woven feels pretty darn secure but I want the other one too. And I realllllly want a wcmt. Custom slots are soo hard to score though, and it's so expensive! Maybe my Christmas present? I don't know.
Babywearing makes my life easier. J likes being held and after having miscarriages plus anxiety and everything else, I've probably spoiled her a little. She's definitely a mommy's girl. But even R has trouble carrying her long periods. Constant weight wears you out, but with babywearing, I can be hands free to do what I can/need to, and J is weightless even after 30-60 minutes. I can barely feel any strain.
And lets face it, people with Dysautonomia can get pretty weak/tired. Wrapping her up puts almost no strain on me if I've wrapped her right. And baby cuddles can cure almost any sadness, at least momentarily. I'm glad I had kids before I found out what I have. Sure I need help from R but my kids give me so much happiness even in the darkness I feel. It's easy to just waste away when you have no one rooting for you and cheering you on. My kids are my cheerleaders. Any time I want to give up and stop trying to get answers or want to just lay in bed for a year, I push myself harder for them. I can't chase them around, I can barely chase ME around, which is another reason I'm thankful for R. He's athletic and strong. He can shoulder it. He can get outside and play ball or tag while I watch from the sidelines. When I lag behind he can keep up with them with no difficulties. I wish I had the energy to chase them too but at least I have R to do what I can't.
I'm also glad I went ahead and had kids early because who knows if I'd have been able to have my ideal family later on. Would I even have a diagnosis? My last 2 OB/GYNs were the ones who sent me to the cardiologist. Sure I have syncope spells and palps and tachycardia NOT pregnant, but it's so much WORSE when I AM pregnant. It goes back to my normal after I deliver so who can say if I'd have ever found an answer. If not, by the time I did find someone to help, would I be much worse? If I did find an answer pre-kids, I'd have to stop the meds he plans to put me on. They can't be taken while pregnant or nursing. Who knows how that would've affected my decision on when to have kids or how many. Even now I don't feel DONE. Oh I'm most definitely done for NOW but only by necessity. If we had the room for 4 kids, if I felt like we could financially afford to add another, and if my health weren't an issue, I'd be ok adding another. But not just yet. I'm happy cuddling with J and baby fever is low. Just a minor pang as opposed to an all out ache. I don't know if we'll ever have another. I'd have to be off meds for a long time. It took me 12 and 13 months to conceive D and J (I conceived month 12 when trying to get pregnant with J but lost the babe). S was only 6 months of not trying. so roughly a year to get pregnant, 9 months carrying and 2 years nursing. I couldn't do that right now even if I did have room and finances to comfortably fit another child. My health is just too poor.
I just don't feel done. Not totally, at least not in the long run. But I AM content for now. Just like little J. I'll take baby steps. I'm focusing on them. And my health. S is already in school, D will be in pre-k soon, J still has a while. But that gives me time to get on the right track, at least try. And to enjoy them while they're little. In 4 years when J is old enough for pre-k, S will be 10. That's just mind boggling. In 4 years all my kids will be in school full time. Maybe I'll have energy then? At least a little. I'm not asking to run a marathon but maybe by then I won't have to spend 80-90% sitting without being dizzy.
I have to hope. And take baby steps.